I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
