I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
