I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
