All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
