be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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