I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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