My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
