I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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