Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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