I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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