I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
