I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize