Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
