cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
