don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
We just shotgunned beers for America
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
