It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Randomize
