We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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