Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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