you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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