one word: firstdatebathroomanal
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
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