i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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