Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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