i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
