I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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