Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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