Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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