I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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