i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
