He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
