Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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