I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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