I want to have your abortion
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
