I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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