i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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