you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
