There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
