I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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