I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
