I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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