true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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