omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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