I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
