Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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