is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
