My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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