i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
