we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize