imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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