I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
We talked him into tasing himself.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
