Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
