How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Im part way to drunk.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize