I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
