I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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