all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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