just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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