I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
