I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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