Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i came on her dog
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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