dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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