does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
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I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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