Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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