Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
