I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
