is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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