Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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