I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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