Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Randomize
