i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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