I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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